I can see myself within your bones
sinking below your flesh
and following the current to your heart.
I can see my hands
delicately dancing
down the curve of your spine
and releasing my grip on your lungs
with each inhale.
I can see myself floating
the delicate rivers of your cheeks;
you are crying again,
and I swear in the oceans
that grew in my palms
as I cradled your uncertainty
there thrived a world
so complex,
sinking below your flesh
and following the current to your heart.
I can see my hands
delicately dancing
down the curve of your spine
and releasing my grip on your lungs
with each inhale.
I can see myself floating
the delicate rivers of your cheeks;
you are crying again,
and I swear in the oceans
that grew in my palms
as I cradled your uncertainty
there thrived a world
so complex,
I saw fish swimming through
the pupils of your eyes.
the pupils of your eyes.
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2 comments:
Hello!
This poem is very well thought out, but I think you could work on the diction a lot more.
For instance, I can see the body sea corrilation. I like it. I'm a big sea fan myself, but, I think it would me most affective to work with the over all diction in order to have it flow better. Or if you would prefere to crash better. But considering that this is more about the body, I tend to think of a more soft enviroment then crashing waves.
So, I think you can cut a lot of works out:
"I can see myself floating"
instead
I see myself floating.
or play with the word see. Which would be affective i think.
also in this line
"as i cradle your uncertainty"
is an awesome line, but I don't think it fits with the over all theme.
"there thrived a world"
For some reason I think you should add some sort of hint to thirst there rather than thriving. Thriving is more like sturggly than strain, which is what I think your trying to get at.
This was absolutely beautiful. I love the idea of holding an entire world in my hands, as well as the image of seeing fish swim through someone's pupils.
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